


take it or leave it

by doitsushine92



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Making Out, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 17:57:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19873714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doitsushine92/pseuds/doitsushine92
Summary: What happens when you let two bi-curious boys in one room with alcohol and no adult supervision?





	take it or leave it

**Author's Note:**

> reem wanted idolverse noren and i felt inspired
> 
> this is terrible don't read it

It starts on a Sunday evening. It is a mildly hot day, strange for the time of the year, with enough wind to make it pleasant but still warm enough to warrant a run to the convenience store for ice cream and a shower afterwards.

It is nearing half past seven and Jeno is minding his own business, playing games on his phone and sporadically texting Mark when he knows he is in the middle of a V-Live. The dorm is particularly quiet tonight; Jaemin is out – he did not say where he was going, and Jeno did not ask -, Chenle and Jisung are visiting the rookies’ dorm and Jeno and Renjun are lazing together in their shared bedroom, the two of them glued to their phones. Renjun resembles a burrito wrapped as he is in his blankets, claiming the room is too cold, but Jeno feels just fine in his sweatpants and long-sleeved shirt.

A skull pops out of the door Jeno just opened and his character books it down the hall, until he finds another door to escape. Jeno sighs in relief and continues to explore the room, thinking that at least the game got interesting – if you can call a gigantic, disembodied skull chasing you interesting. Jeno can.

Renjun pokes his head out of his blankets after they hit an entire hour of merely existing with the other and says, “Jeno, can you please turn the damn volume down, someone is trying to sleep here.”

Jeno lowers the volume, plays for another five minutes, and then locks his phone. The room is plunged into silence, which is very atypical for them. He twists around in his bed and comes face to face with Renjun, his roommate’s eyes bloodshot and his hair ruffled. Jeno furrows his eyebrows and asks, “Are you okay? You look sick and angry.”

“That’s my secret, Jeno,” Renjun mumbles, “I’m always angry.”

Jeno ignores that. “I’m serious, are you okay?”

Renjun huffs through his nose. “I’m fine. It’s stupid, don’t worry about it.”

Well, Jeno is not taking that for an answer. The other members might find him overbearing sometimes but Jeno simply does not allow his friends to be sad without asking for help – it used to annoy Jaemin to no end, but he’s learnt to accept that as another integral part of Lee Jeno’s personality. Jeno throws his blankets off and strides the three steps separating his bed from Renjun’s, hissing at the coldness of the tiles against his bare feet – they have the AC cranked up to battle the heat building outside -, then unceremoniously shoves his way through Renjun’s armour of blankets. Renjun stifles a laugh and makes room for him, rolling his eyes at Jeno’s satisfied little grin.

“Talk to me,” Jeno pouts. “I’m your best friend.”

“I though you and Donghyuck were best friends,” Renjun points out. He adds, “Actually, at first I thought you and Jaemin were best friends. What _is_ the truth, Lee Jeno?”

“You’re all my best friends,” Jeno says with finality. “And stop avoiding my question.”

Renjun seems to shrink into himself immediately. Jeno does not fail to notice how Renjun scoots backwards when Jeno tries to get closer and it definitely hurts a little, but he does not mention it.

“It’s really nothing,” he mumbles.

“Tell me,” Jeno whines. He wiggles his way to Renjun and tugs him back and forth until Renjun is laughing and telling him to stop. “So? Are you gonna tell me or will I have to tickle it out of you?”

Renjun sighs, as if it is taking a lot of energy from him. He closes his eyes and says, “I’m just feeling a little frustrated lately, I guess. I can’t remember the last time I got some that wasn’t from my own hand,” he chuckles bitterly.

“I feel you there,” Jeno sighs. He turns on his back and stares at the ceiling, his hands intertwined over his tummy. Renjun imitates him and sighs as well. “It sucks, doesn’t it? Although I do remember the last time I did.”

“Really? When?” Renjun hums.

“Four months ago, at a recording of the show,” Jeno admits. He can actually feel Renjun vibrating in curiosity and he adds, “I can’t tell who, though.”

“Loser,” Renjun tells him. Jeno giggles. “Mine was a trainee, around January. I can’t even remember her name, which makes me a total asshole.”

“Kind of, yeah,” Jeno shrugs.

“I wish we could just,” Renjun groans, “have an actual life outside of these dorms and the practice rooms. Does that make me sound ungrateful as fuck? Because I think it does.”

“It doesn’t,” Jeno soothes him. “It makes you sound like an idol.”

Renjun sighs. “I need a drink. Or ten. Do you think we could crack into the hyungs’ not-so-secret cabinet while they’re out?”

“I think we’d be fools not to.”

It is not hard to break into the 127 dorm. Donghyuck gave them the passcode to the door the second they moved into the new apartment, just how he did with the two previous dorms they lived in, regardless of Mark’s exasperated eye rolls and _scolding_ in their groupchat. The dorm is devoid of life, all the hyungs either doing a live stream or stuck at practice, and the two of them make quick work of sneaking the first two bottles of alcohol they see into their backpack and running right back to their own dorm.

They are giggling like children even before they open the first bottle – Jeno did not look at the labels before, so he is kind of shocked to see they grabbed tequila – and it only worsens after the first few sips. The other bottle contains orange flavoured vodka, which they are hesitant to try – his first experience he had with booze was after Dream won their first trophy and some of the hyungs (read: Yuta, Ten and Jaehyun) brought them beer to their dorm. Jeno found out he had high tolerance that night; Mark was a fucking lightweight, as was Renjun, but Jeno was fine even after three bottles. They settle on Jeno’s bed, their backs to the headboard, and Renjun looks for an appropriate playlist to listen to – the lights are off and the window’s curtains are shut, but Renjun has a lava lamp on his bedside table gifted to him by Jisung and it provides a nice glow to the atmosphere.

Inhibitions are quick to fly out the window. Renjun is flushed after two glasses of vodka and giggling after the third, leaning heavily onto Jeno’s shoulder and hiccupping every other minute, clinking the ice cubes on his glass and staring off into space. Jeno is thinking about the probability of them sneaking out again and making a mad dash for the hamburger stand five blocks away, but something in the back of his head tells him it wouldn’t be a good idea.

They have both bottles open in bed, Jeno holding the vodka and Renjun the tequila. They discard their glasses within the hour in favour of drinking straight from the bottle, even if they almost drop the tequila every time because they cannot get used to the strong taste. At one point, Renjun refuses to hand the tequila over and instead pours it down Jeno’s throat himself – except it drips down his jaw and the side of his neck, then disappears under the collar of his shirt.

Things kind of start to go downhill from there.

Jeno is in the midst of gathering the excess liquid around his lips when Renjun lunges forward and licks up the stripe that’s going down his neck, up to his jaw and finally at his lips. It’s clumsy and definitely too much teeth is involved for it to be called a nice kiss, but Renjun tastes like tequila and oranges and his tongue tickles Jeno’s gums. Jeno cuts off his own surprised squeak and bites Renjun’s bottom lip when Renjun tries to pull away, most likely to ask if Jeno is okay with this or something else that might kill the mood. At least, Jeno has half a mind to put the bottles away from harm’s reach, then he’s diving right back in, lets Renjun lick behind his teeth and suck on his tongue. Jeno almost falls off the bed since Renjun is eager and they are drunk, but they manage to stay safe on the mattress.

Renjun clambers onto Jeno’s lap and grabs fistfuls of Jeno’s shirt, shudders as Jeno’s tongue sneaks into his mouth and his fingers curl around his thighs. Their teeth clank together and their noses bump every other minute, and there’s saliva running down both their chins because neither of them can control what they’re doing. Jeno gasps at the sensation of Renjun’s fingers tugging his shirt up, then the fabric flies over his head and Renjun is splaying his digits across his torso.

Jeno knows that he’s getting hard. He also knows Renjun is, he can feel him press against his hip, and it should scare him, sure, but it only makes his tummy tighten with heat. Jeno doesn’t have time to think about the implications of him being turned on by a boy, not when said boy is sitting on his lap and trailing kisses down his neck.

“Careful,” Jeno hisses, “your hands are cold.”

Renjun doesn’t pay any attention to him and leaves his hands right where they are, sneaking over his chest. Jeno grows used to the sensation fairly quickly, though, and lets Renjun do as he wishes with minimal complaints, only pushing him off when Renjun pinches his nipple and bites his collarbone.

“Wait,” Jeno grabs Renjun’s wrists and holds them away from his body, “Renjun. What are we doing?”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead,” Renjun shrugs, still kissing up and down Jeno’s neck, “but we can discuss it later.”

“No, I want to talk about it now.”

Renjun sighs and finally relents. His pupils are blown wide and his lips are swollen and he looks too pretty for Jeno’s poor heart to handle, but he has to stamp down the urge to kiss him senseless because even in his inebriated state, he knows this is something they need to discuss.

“Is this, like, a onetime thing? Or a continuous thing?” Jeno asks.

“It can be a continued – continua - fuck it, it can happen again if you want,” Renjun huffs. “But only if you promise to stop cutting me off like that.”

It’s honestly all Jeno needs to know at the moment. Renjun is happy to go back to where they were, except this time his hands don’t stay north for too long and he only halts when his fingers grace the waistband of Jeno’s sweatpants and he looks up to gauge Jeno’s reaction. Jeno nods, almost imperceptibly in his state, and Renjun wastes no time in pushing his sweatpants down, then his hand goes inside his boxers and Jeno hisses at Renjun’s fingers grazing his cock.

Renjun doesn’t play around anymore, pulling Jeno’s boxers down to his knees and then removing his own pyjama pants and briefs, just far enough so Jeno can touch him, too. His t-shirt is too big on him, the hem falling to his thighs and Jeno thinks it makes him look unbearably attractive.

Jeno’s hips cant at the first touch of Renjun’s fingers around his cock. Renjun breathes out through his nose and shuffles closer until his hips are flush with Jeno’s and he doesn’t need much motivation to grind down. Renjun makes a breathy little sound at the back of his throat and moves faster, his hands going up to grab Jeno’s shoulders. Jeno, on his side, grips Renjun’s thighs even tighter and surges forward to leave a red bite on Renjun’s neck.

It’s hot and humid between them, their dicks sliding together in a messy rhythm, both of them chasing something quick rather than something great. Jeno wants to blame it on the alcohol, but he knows the truth is that he’s wanted Renjun like this for a while, and now that he has him, he wants all of it. Jeno sneaks a hand between their bodies and rubs the underside of Renjun’s cock with two fingers, smothering a smile in Renjun’s shoulder when Renjun whines his name.

Renjun comes first, staccato gasps escaping his lips as his hips stutter and then still, his cock kicking against Jeno’s and sticky cum coating Jeno’s hand. It doesn’t take long for Jeno to follow suit, jerking off while Renjun mouths at his earlobe and his fingers dance over his nipples.

They stay on the bed for several minutes after that. Renjun is breathing heavily next to Jeno’s ear, his chest heaving against Jeno’s, and Jeno is just staring at the ceiling with glassy eyes, trying to wrap his head around everything that just happened. Renjun moves after a while, only to reach across the bed for the vodka. Jeno watches him gulp down two mouthfuls, then accepts the offered bottle and takes a few sips as well. Then, he starts giggling. Renjun laughs too, first softly, and then they’re both laughing aloud and leaning into each other for support.

“A conversation about this will have to wait until tomorrow,” Renjun chuckles into Jeno’s collarbone, his skin warm and sweaty, “because right now I’m shitfaced.”

“Agreed,” Jeno mutters.

By the time they move, they’ve finished the entire bottle of vodka and are halfway through the tequila. Of course, the second Jeno stands up, the entire world swims around him and he would have fallen on his face if it were not for his bedside table being right where it is. Renjun isn’t so lucky and he lands on his butt, giggling like crazy. Jeno wants to laugh, but he fears he might throw up everything if he moves an inch. As it is, he feels the bile climbing up his throat and he has to squash it down with sheer will.

Renjun groans as he tries to stand up again. “Do we really need to shower? Can’t we just sleep here?”

“We are not sleeping on the ground,” Jeno refuses immediately, “much less covered in cum.”

The trip to the bathroom is dangerous. They trip over their own feet and hit the walls of the hallway too many times, and Jeno would be more embarrassed if he were conscious. But his mind is stuck in the way Renjun’s hair is plastered to his forehead and on the purple marks blooming across his chest – when did he even _do_ that?

They shower together, stripping themselves of their clothes – which they had randomly put on once more sometime between kissing and drinking – and dumping it on the laundry basket. Renjun insists he wants to take a bath and use the new bath bombs Jaemin bought him as a gift, an idea Jeno turns down in fear they drown. This is not how he wants his mother to remember him, thank you very much.

“I feel like shit,” Renjun groans. He’s leaning against the wall of the shower, a few stray drops of water landing on him. Jeno stands directly under the stream of the shower head, tries to sooth the nausea with cold water. Under any other circumstances, he’d be terribly distracted by Renjun standing wet and naked in front of him, but he really can’t be right now.

“You should throw up,” Jeno suggests. “You’ll feel better.”

Renjun does. He stumbles out of the shower and lands on a heap in front of the toilet bowl. Jeno closes his eyes and breathes deeply, but it helps in no way and he’s following Renjun as soon as the boy is back in the shower.

Later, as they return to their room, cleaner than before and feeling less like death, Jeno thinks they’re going to get so much shit for leaving the bathroom floor soaked and the towels damp on top of the sink. They get dressed in silence – that’s a bit of an overstatement, Jeno thinks, since they merely bother with underwear and the first t-shirts they find – and then Renjun is dragging Jeno to lie down on Jeno’s bed, his own left a mess of sweaty sheets and pillows.

~

Jaemin finds them the next morning, because _of course he does_ , and he screams at the sight of them tangled together. They’re not even in a compromising position, it’s just Renjun’s leg hiked up over Jeno’s waist, Jeno’s hand on his thigh and – yeah, okay, Jeno can see why he screamed. Renjun stirs, the hand he has underneath Jeno’s shirt pressing down as he wakes up. Jeno wants to ask Jaemin to shut the fuck up, but he doesn’t dare open his mouth or eyes.

“Oh, my God,” Jaemin says, and then he’s running out of the room like a bat out of hell. Jeno knows he’s most likely going to flap his mouth at Chenle and Jisung, probably Jungwoo and Yangyang as well. Jeno didn’t know fear until Jaemin and Yangyang started hanging out together.

“Why is he so loud?” Renjun whines. The sound goes straight through Jeno’s shirt and to his chest. Jeno is about to answer something – what, he’s not sure – but he’s interrupted by Jaemin bursting inside once more, accompanied by the two little rascals. Jeno doesn’t even have to look to know it’s them, he can sense their presence from miles away, can feel the shift in the air as he goes from relaxation to a fighting stance as he’s prepared to deal with their shit.

They proceed to interrogate Jeno and Renjun about their activities from last night, to no avail. Renjun groans out monosyllable responses to everything, Jeno doesn’t answer anything at all, and Jisung and Chenle quickly grow bored, leaving with an offer to make them some coffee that Jeno fears to drink. Jaemin, however, stays where he is, perched on the edge of the bed. Jeno can also sense his presence, but unlike with the younger boys, it’s because he and Jaemin are too attuned to each other. Once, Mark said they felt like twins, in their scary synchronization and ability to sniff the other out, and he wasn’t entirely wrong.

Jeno notices, perhaps belatedly, that he and Renjun haven’t moved from their position – in fact, Renjun has snuggled closer even into Jeno’s hold, his hot breath fanning across Jeno’s neck as he dozes off. Jeno’s hand is still curled over Renjun’s thigh and the touch suddenly burns him, yet he can’t move away. Jaemin is still in the room, sitting in absolute silence, and Jeno doesn’t know how to interpret that. He’s never felt like that when it comes to Jaemin and it is unsettling, to say the least.

“I’ll go make you guys something greasy to eat,” Jaemin says at last. He sounds strange, Jeno thinks. “You should try getting out of bed. Go take a shower or something.”

~

It doesn’t stop there. Somehow, after a couple of days of avoiding eye contact and putting up with the kids’ annoying glances, Jeno finds himself pushed into their dorm’s bathroom. Renjun stares at Jeno impassively as Jeno flounders and nearly knocks the lotions off the counter – or what could be misconstrued as impassiveness, if it weren’t for the nervous flutter of his eyes across Jeno’s face and the way his fingers are knotting into the fabric of his sweater. Anyone else could have missed it, but not Jeno; they’ve spent countless hours together, training, recording, practicing, performing, and simply existing together for him to be anything but fluent in everything Renjun.

“We said it could be a continuous thing.”

Jeno’s eyebrows fly towards his hairline. He was expecting something along those lines, but he never thought Renjun would be so straightforward. He probably remains silent for too long because Renjun only grows more awkward; Jeno can see the exact moment he’s about to open his mouth to retract what he said. Jeno stops him before he can.

“We did,” he murmurs. Renjun’s eyes sparkle. Jeno takes a chance and threads closer, enough for the tips of their slippers to touch, but not close enough for anything else. “But you kept running away and I assumed…”

Jeno doesn’t need to finish the sentence. Renjun reads between the lines and nods softly, inching forward a little. Jeno’s heart starts to beat erratically against his ribs at the mere prospect of kissing Renjun again – no, at just the idea of holding Renjun’s hand. His body is humming with electricity and God, he’s a mess.

“You assumed wrong,” Renjun whispers. They’re so close now, their lips brush together with each syllable. Jeno can feel Renjun’s minty breath, sees the glossiness of his lips and thinks Renjun must be using lip-gloss again. “I really want to kiss you.”

Jeno really wants to kiss him, too.

Warmth spreads across Jeno’s body. He thinks they sigh at the same time, at least one of them does, and Jeno can feel himself melt into it. Renjun backs him up against the counter, frames his body with his arms and rises onto his tiptoes to kiss him better. Jeno is taller than Renjun is, has a considerable amount of strength and body mass on him, yet he’s at his mercy, allows Renjun to control the pace, kisses him with every fibre of sweetness he has in his body. They kiss languidly for an eternity, until Jeno can’t feel his mouth anymore and he thinks Jaemin has yelled at them to get out of the bathroom three times.

Renjun tries to pull away at one point; however, Jeno doesn’t let him go too far. Jeno’s fingers catch onto Renjun’s cotton sweater and keep him within reach, chasing Renjun’s mouth even as the boy laughs and attempts to get away.

“We can go to our room,” Renjun suggests. There’s a hint of breathlessness under his amusement, perhaps caused by Jeno’s lips trailing across his jaw and cheek. “Before Jaemin has a stroke.”

There’s a joke at the tip of Jeno’s tongue. Renjun sees it, clear as day in his face, and rolls his eyes before Jeno can say it. “Shut up, loser. Let’s go.”

~

To sneak out of the dorms has become second nature to all of them. Some do it for a breath of fresh air, others because they have stuff to do – Jeno and Renjun do it because it’s the only way to get some privacy nowadays.

Ever since the other Dreamies found out about their thing – thanks, Jaemin -, they’ve become more annoying than usual; Jisung looks halfway traumatized in the mornings because he says he heard weird noises, Chenle does this weird squeal of laughter that Jeno hasn’t heard him do in years when he sees Renjun’s neck one evening and Jaemin – Jeno doesn’t know what to make of Jaemin, if he’s being honest. And let’s not forget about the other two: Donghyuck might be his best friend, but he’s also on thin fucking ice right now, with his giggling and his hushed whispers of, “Here comes your boyfriend,” whenever Renjun is in the near vicinity. Mark only frowns in half disappointment and half constipation when he sees the red marks on their chests every time he visits the dorm or their practice rooms.

Jeno would love to have some privacy back into his life, but, then again, he can’t expect much of the sort as an idol. Regardless, they become experts at finding the right places to hide in: the fifth floor janitor’s closet, the third floor men’s bathroom, the recording booth in sub-level three, among others. Renjun keeps kissing Jeno’s nape when they’re in practice and the instructor is turned away; Jeno drags his fingers across the exposed span of skin in Renjun’s lower back when his shirt rides up.

There isn’t a name to their situation, the first few weeks. Jeno doesn’t think he can say they’re boyfriends or anything of the sort, since nothing really changes about them. They don’t go on dates, they don’t do lovey-dovey things, and they don’t call each other cutesy nicknames – in public, that is. While they’re alone, mostly in the privacy of their shared bedroom, Renjun traces the outline of Jeno’s jaw and recites poetry to him in ways that shouldn’t be allowed for friends with benefits.

That’s what they are, aren’t they? Jeno didn’t want to use that term at the beginning, but he must accept the reality. They’re friends, friends who work and live together, that also happen to make out and get off together. Very casual, if you ask Jeno.

~

Renjun seems to chase the thrill. He grows bolder with each that day that goes by, touching just a bit longer, leaning just a bit closer. When in public, Renjun sticks to Jeno and tortures him with every breath, flirts with him in the right amount so it can be brushed off as playful teasing even though Jeno knows exactly what he means with his words.

On V-lives, he sits next to him and keeps a hand permanently attached to his knee or thigh, twirling his finger over the exposed skin thanks to the ripped jeans – Jeno takes a liking to that pair for a very specific reason. Jeno sometimes wishes that hand could go a bit higher, then he remembers where they are, what they’re doing and he snaps out of his daze, brushes Renjun’s hand off as conspicuously as possible.

The worst one to date, however, is the night they shoot JSMR together. The staff members bring some sort of cream filled chocolate sweets and leave them alone. Jeno doesn’t understand why, something about shortage of staff, their manager says, “You’re good kids, you’ll be fine,” and then they’re alone in the small room of the company.

At first, Jeno doesn’t pay much mind to it. He, unlike others, doesn’t have his mind stuck permanently in the gutter and he only smiles to show he understands, waving goodbye to the recording noona that always stays with him and then turns his attention to Renjun. He immediately feels dread build in his gut at the glint of Renjun’s eyes, but he decides to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps Jeno is seeing things – Renjun wouldn’t be crazy enough to try something that will be recorded and later seen by the company, right?

Wrong.

It starts out ordinary. Jeno presses record on the camera and sits down carefully, the earbuds going so far inside his ears he feels they hit his brain; he hates earbuds, but they’re a necessary evil for the video. Renjun is still out of the frame, since they want it to be a surprise, and Jeno goes about his usual greetings, says a few jokes that Renjun pretends aren’t funny – Jeno can see him smother a laugh – and then beckons Renjun to the shot. Renjun sits a bit closer than necessary, their thighs touching under the table, and Jeno doesn’t think much of it. Renjun greets the camera, winces as he speaks a bit too loudly into the microphone, and apologizes with a laugh. Jeno teases him about it before they move on.

They open the box of sweets and start to pull out the treats. Jeno hasn’t eaten at all in the past handful of hours and his stomach gurgles at the sight of chocolate – it doesn’t matter if it’s a proper meal or not, he’s hungry, okay? Renjun grabs the first roll and tears the paper carefully before popping it into his mouth. Jeno is looking away, searching for the best looking sweet, and when he returns his attention to Renjun, his gaze snaps immediately to the corner of his mouth, where there’s a bit of cream at the corner of his lips.

Jeno’s dumb monkey sex brain goes haywire, even as his sensible mature responsible adult brain tries to prevent his body from overheating. Renjun is none the wiser, speaking into the microphone with glee, unaware of Jeno’s suffering – that’s what it seems, at least. Jeno is proven wrong as Renjun turns to look at him momentarily and, yeah, that god awful smirk says everything Jeno needs to know.

Renjun deliberately licks the cream away while holding eye contact with Jeno and Jeno thinks they’re being obvious, so _fucking_ obvious. Jeno goes back to the video before he can do anything stupid, such as kissing Renjun or. Whatever else. Fans are too smart sometimes and Jeno doesn’t want to give them any ammo.

Back at the dorm, Jeno doesn’t give Renjun two seconds to breathe before he’s shutting the door to their room and cornering him against their drawer. Renjun tastes like chocolate and crème and he’s too smug about getting Jeno riled up. The corner of the furniture digs into Renjun’s back and that’s the only reason they move to the bed – Jeno would have been more than happy to stay right where they were.

They fall on the bed with little finesse, Renjun climbing on Jeno’s lap and fisting his shirt beyond salvation. Jeno is dizzy from lack of breath when they pull away, and Renjun looks positively ravished, the prettiest he’s ever been. A jolt of thunder flashes through Jeno’s tummy as he thinks he did that.

Renjun’s hands linger over Jeno’s belt. There’s a hint of hesitation in his eyes, one that doesn’t go away until Jeno sits up a little straighter on the bed and undoes the belt himself. Jeno thinks he catches a glimpse of a smile in Renjun’s face before his pants are pulled down and he’s terribly distracted.

In spite of how long their arrangement has been going on, they haven’t done much past mutual handjobs and make out sessions. Jeno would be lying if he said he hasn’t thought about doing this, mostly while in the shower after it’s been days since they last touched each other and his dumb libido is acting up. However, nothing could have prepared him for the real thing, nothing could have compared to seeing Renjun between his legs, one hand on his thigh and the other wrapped around the base of his dick.

Renjun looks too good with a cock in his mouth. Jeno is terribly caught off guard by that fact, since most of his thoughts had focused on the sensation, not the view. He’d thought about how it would feel to have Renjun’s mouth wrapped around him, his stupid little tongue licking at the head, much how he does at his neck, but he hadn’t considered the possibility of him looking like a wet dream come to life while sucking him off.

It gets to be too much, months without a blowjob rendering Jeno speechless as he focuses on not blowing his load too soon, and he has to force his eyes to stay open so he doesn’t miss anything. Renjun is enjoying himself, as well, licking from base to tip and humming around the shaft, his hands restless as they move over Jeno’s thighs. Jeno bites his own hand to keep from making any noise that might alert the others of their activities, but it proves to be a harder task than it seems as every second that passes is more intense than the other. It’s not like Renjun is a pro, far from it, but Jeno doesn’t have much to compare him to, and he’s doing a good job, either way.

“Renjun,” Jeno tries. He wants to say that he’s close, that he needs a second to cool down, but Renjun only hums again and looks at him with big, brown eyes and Jeno is coming, one of his hands gripping the bed sheets while the other grabs onto Renjun’s fingers. Renjun barely has a chance to pull off, most of it getting on his chin and lips – too reminiscing of earlier. Jeno groans and lets his head fall back on the pillow.

Renjun sits up, still licking around his mouth. Jeno looks at him through half-lidded eyes as Renjun tilts his head pensively. “Not terrible, but you should eat more fruit.”

It’s ridiculous. Jeno can’t help it when he starts laughing and Renjun joins in. They sober up in seconds and Jeno, still holding onto Renjun’s hand, tugs him down to his level. He doesn’t have time to think about how it might be gross to kiss him after he’s had his cock in his mouth before he’s doing it. Renjun squeaks at Jeno’s tongue pushing past his lips, loses his balance and lands on Jeno.

“Want me to…?” Jeno can’t be bothered to finish the sentence. Their mouths are touching lazily, Jeno drained from his orgasm and Renjun happy to share air. Renjun shakes his head, a hint of shyness in his body language – Jeno looks down to find that Renjun’s pants are damp at the front and his heart drops. Renjun refuses to meet his eyes, embarrassed, and Jeno doesn’t know how to tell him that he’s the hottest boy to exist. “Injun,” Jeno breaths out.

Renjun looks to the side. Jeno kisses him again, tries his best to convey that it’s fine, and he thinks he managed to, given how Renjun smiles at him before he climbs off the bed and urges Jeno to go shower with him.

~

“Jeno and Renjun have been playing well, lately.”

Renjun laughs, startled. Jeno can only stare at Jisung in mild – not disbelief, no, because Park Jisung wouldn’t know self-preservation if it hit him in the face – in mild betrayal, wondering whatever possessed him to say such thing.

The other members (Donghyuck, sitting to Jeno’s right, his face stuck between laughter and surprise; Jaemin, still as passive as the weeks prior, sitting next to Renjun with a blank expression; Chenle, laughing his ass off at every little devious thing that leaves Jisung’s mouth; Mark, the alleged responsible one, watching the disaster unfold,) are too caught up with Jisung to notice the dilemma going on inside Jeno. He wants to tell Jisung to shut up, stop talking because this is none of your goddamn business, but he knows it would be too suspicious. And Renjun isn’t of much help, either, staring at Jisung with wide eyes while nervous giggles escape him.

Finally, Mark’s leader instincts kick in and he cuts Jisung off with a random story he _‘just remembered,’_ tied enough with what Jisung was saying so that the fans don’t notice. Or so Jeno hopes.

The drive back to the dorms is normal. Chenle and Renjun sit in the front, sharing earbuds while talking in hushed tones, slipping back to their mother tongue, while Jeno rides in the backseat, squashed between Jaemin and Donghyuck. Mark and Jisung are in the other van, even though they promised to drop by the Dream dorm with Yukhei, Yangyang, Dejun and Kunhang. Jeno witnessed Jisung squirrel between the older boy and the manager and slide into their van before anyone could say a word to him.

Donghyuck is playing with Jeno’s hand, slapping their palms together softly while he stares out the window. Jeno wishes Donghyuck would talk to him, if only to save Jeno from the stifling silence on his other side. Jaemin hasn’t spoken to Jeno in too long. He isn’t speaking to Renjun, either, so it’s definitely about them doing what they’re doing. But what it is, exactly, that bothers him so much, is what Jeno doesn’t know.

They reach the building quicker than expected. Jaemin all but jumps out of the car, eager to put some distance between himself and Jeno. Jeno is slower, waits for Donghyuck to climb out so they can walk together to the elevator. Everyone gathers at the lobby as they wait for the lift to reach the ground floor, huddled in a tight circle for warmth.

Jeno, perhaps by faith, is stuck between Jaemin and the wall of the lift. Jaemin is stiff next to him, ramrod straight as he stares at the back of Jisung’s head. Mark looks back at them, frowns in such a Mark way that has Jeno’s chest squeezing because _fuck_ , he misses his hyung, and then turns around once more to continue his conversation with Jisung.

It’s the first time they all get together. Jaemin and Yangyang sit at a corner and whisper in gossipy tones, stopping only when Renjun plops down on the seat next to Yangyang and pulls on his hair to demand attention. Jeno stays as far away as he can, between Dejun and Mark, leaning towards Mark’s warmth in search of some comfort. He feels tired, not just physically but mentally, and Mark is a soft, soothing presence that Jeno has missed greatly this year. Jeno lays his head on Mark’s shoulder and simply listens to everyone talk around him. Kunhang is on the other side of Dejun, laughing about one thing or another – Jeno can’t remember at what point he grew used to hearing his squeaky peals of breath, but he did, and now he’s greatly endeared.

Perhaps belatedly he realises Jaemin is staring at him.

It jolts Jeno out of his dream-like stupor. He locks eyes with Jaemin and he swears he feels the heat behind his glare, like tiny punctures that threaten to pierce his heart into a million pieces. He’s not even surprised when Jaemin gets out of his seat and bolts for the kitchen, leaving Yangyang mid-sentence. It’s more surprising for Jeno to find himself following him.

They haven’t spoken in weeks. Jeno can feel the distance between them as if it’s an actual, breathing entity, holding them at arm’s length from each other. Jaemin rummages through the cupboards and pretends like Jeno isn’t there, and Jeno looks at him with a sort of desperation he isn’t familiar with. He physically aches with the need to talk to his best friend and it’s driving him insane – they either talk now, or Jeno loses his fucking mind.

“Jaem,” Jeno tries. He sees Jaemin flinch, his shoulders stiffen. “Jaemin, we need to talk.”

The cupboard slams shut. Jaemin whirls around and Jeno stumbles backwards at the sheer intensity of his eyes, wishes he could read Jaemin’s mind to know if he’s mad at him, at Renjun, at both or none. Jeno doesn’t want to assume that Jaemin’s sour mood is because of him, even if it seems like the clear answer, because he doesn’t want to be that type of guy.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Jaemin says.

“Yes, there is.” They’re trying to keep their voices low in order not to alert the others of their conversation, and it’s a struggle, since all Jeno wants to do is to shake Jaemin until the boy spills the beans. “You’ve been avoiding me for too long and I miss you.”

Jeno knows that Jaemin knows it isn’t easy to admit such thing. Jeno can be very self-aware (he’s a homebody, stubborn, cries easily and is prone to eating his emotions) but he’s not good at acknowledging the things that bother him. He once got into a fight with Donghyuck that lasted for weeks because Donghyuck holds a grudge like it’s nobody’s business and Jeno has the hardest time in the world apologizing to others. Jaemin is a little bit like both: not only he holds grudges for as long as he humanly can; he also hates apologizing with a burning passion. It’s not exactly the best combination for an argument.

Maybe it’s that knowledge that keeps Jaemin from walking away. His eyes don’t land on Jeno for longer than a second at a time. Jeno takes a deep breath and asks, softly so that no one else could possibly overhear, “I want to know why you’re avoiding me.”

Jaemin doesn’t answer for a full minute. Jeno can only wait anxiously, knotting his fingers in the fabric of his pants and hope Jaemin doesn’t say what he thinks he’s going to say.

He doesn’t.

“I think you’re a dumbass,” Jaemin finally says. “I think you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak and don’t even notice and it’s pissing me off because you and Renjun are my friends but _you_ are my best friend in the whole world and I know you better than you know yourself and I can see you’re falling for him and it sucks because this can only end badly.”

“I’m not falling for Renjun.” Not even Jeno buys that.

Jaemin rolls his eyes, huffs and leaves the kitchen without sparing Jeno another glance. Something inside Jeno breaks a little more. He can’t even go back to the living room, not when Jaemin will be there. He ignores everyone’s questioning eyes – namely, Renjun’s – and goes straight for his room.

Too many thoughts whirl around his head for hours, long after the living room grows silent and Renjun climbs into his own bed. Jeno wonders when, exactly, he and Jaemin fell apart. It pains him to call it that, because it sounds like he’s lost Jaemin forever, but it’s frankly the only term for it: Jaemin isn’t speaking to him, won’t even look at him for longer than necessary, is even keeping secrets from him – Jeno has noticed him sneak out of the dorms a lot lately – and Jeno doesn’t know what to do to fix it. He can’t even think of a fight that lasted this long between them, honest to God.

Not the time Jaemin went into hiatus for his back problem and he’d cried when Jeno finally visited him, weeks later, saying he’d thought Jeno would forget about him. Jaemin was scared out of his wits because of his injury and not hearing from his best friend in the time he’d been resting was enough to leave him fragile and lost. Nor the time Jeno felt guilty he spent so much time with Renjun and not nearly enough with Jaemin, until Jaemin told him there’s nothing wrong with having other friends.

The two of them have been together for so long, have done everything together since they were twelve years old. It’s not easy for Jeno to live a life without Jaemin, who’s been a constant in the ever-changing layout of his existence; their voices began to crack on the exact same day, even, much to the hyungs’ amusement. There’s no Jeno without Jaemin and there’s no Jaemin without Jeno, and that’s that.

Really, Jeno doesn’t know what to do about this mess.

~

It’s no surprise to see Doyoung waiting for him inside the dorms when he returns from shopping with Jisung. In fact, Jeno was expecting him sooner, and he’d lost confidence in his conviction that he’d come by. After all, Mark lives with Doyoung and has probably told him about this – whatever this is.

It’s been two weeks since the recording of JSMR. Ever since that night, they’ve only grown more attached, more daring, making out in the practice room during breaks. Even while preparing for DNYL, feeling a bit nervous around Harvey regardless of how close they get to him, they snuck into dark storage rooms to kiss a little bit – or a lot. They were caught by Yuta, whom squeaked and told them to get a room before he ran out. If Jeno thinks about it, that’s probably why Doyoung is here now.

“Jeno,” Doyoung greets. He’s smiling, but it’s not the typical warm smile he wears for Jeno, strained around the edges, as if he’s dreading this conversation. “Can I talk to you for a bit?”

Jisung giggles, mutters, “Busted,” and runs off to his room. Jeno wants to roll his eyes at him. Instead, he approaches Doyoung and sits next to him on the couch, his bags left on the ground next to him. Doyoung tries to do small talk at first, asks about what Jeno bought, but he clearly wants to get this over with, seeing as he cuts himself off.

“So, you and Renjun?” Doyoung asks. Jeno leans against the backrest of the couch and nods slowly; wanting to know what Doyoung thinks is going on. “How long has this been going on for?”

“Three months,” Jeno replies. It hasn’t been exactly three months, more like three months, one week and five days, but he can’t say all that without sound a bit pathetic.

Doyoung nods. Awkwardness is radiating from his body and Jeno thinks it’s the first time he’s seen Doyoung this lost for words. “Listen, Jeno, I know you kind of grew up sheltered thanks to the trainee life and I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing, okay? There are certain things you need to know, things that I would hope you already know so none of you gets hurt, and --”

“Hyung,” Jeno cuts him off, careful not to laugh, “if this is you trying to give me the talk, Mark already beat you to it.”

In fact, Mark gave them all the talk over a year ago. He certainly wasn’t doing it because he wanted to, but it was in the midst of even Jisung spending too much time in the shower and, as their leader, he had to be the responsible one. Jeno remembers clear as day how fucking awful it had been, the seven of them sitting around in the living room while Mark stumbled through reading his cue cards and glaring at Donghyuck every other sentence.

“Mark?” At least, it amuses Doyoung. Jeno can understand why; Mark might be the hyung to the Dream members, but he’s still a maknae to 127 and it’s probably hard to imagine for Doyoung, the idea of Mark giving someone the talk. If Jeno thinks about it, that’s probably why Mark did it in the first place – he never says it, but he enjoys being their big brother greatly. Even if it means he puts up with their jokes and jabs. “Did he do a good job?”

Jeno laughs. Doyoung’s posture is significantly more relaxed than it was before, which means he trusts Mark’s judgement. “I guess. He had to talk through Hyuck and Jaemin making exaggerated sex noises, though.”

Doyoung supresses a smile. “Okay. As long as you are aware of what you’re doing and of the consequences, then I’m happy if you’re happy.”

Jeno’s own smile falters. If he’s happy? It occurs to him that Doyoung might have the wrong impression; what if he thinks Jeno and Renjun are dating? So far, Jeno assumed that _Doyoung_ assumed they were just fooling around, much how other members do. It’s a big group and the idol life is lonely – Jeno knows some of the hyungs rely on each other for many things that go beyond the line of platonic cuddles.

“I am, hyung,” Jeno says at last. He means it, but how much?

“Doyoung hyung talked to me today,” Jeno says in lieu of greeting.

Renjun hums, doesn’t tear his gaze from his book. Jeno knows he’s tired from recording today and doesn’t want to bother him, but he also has no one to share this with. “What did he say?”

“He tried to give me the talk.” That catches Renjun’s attention. “I told him Mark did it already and he seemed relieved, to be honest. I don’t think he really wanted to do it.”

“No one ever wants to give anyone the talk,” Renjun deadpans. He bookmarks the page he’s in and puts the book on his bedside table, then turns to look at Jeno pensively. “Kun threw a condom at my face today while I was visiting.”

“What?” Jeno blurts out.

Renjun laughs. “He probably wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t been in a rush, but Yangyang and Yukhei were screaming at each other and Ten looked ready to leave the group.”

“Why does he think we need condoms?”

“Is that really all you’re going to focus on?”

“Can you blame me?”

Renjun huffs out another laugh. He shakes his head in disbelief at Jeno and says, “I may have told him some stuff and he freaked out.”

“Renjun,” Jeno whines, “what stuff?”

A shrug. Renjun turns on his side and they’re suddenly face to face, so close their noses almost touch. Jeno can see every flicker of his eyes, could count his eyelashes if he wanted to. “I told him I’ve been thinking about,” he trails off, shrugs again, and Jeno thinks he’s cute when he’s shy, “about going further with you.”

Jeno chokes on his own spit. Renjun groans and tries to roll away, covering his reddened cheeks with his hands, but Jeno doesn’t let him go too far. Renjun won’t meet his eyes. “God that sounded awful. I hate everything.”

“No, no,” Jeno rushes to reassure him. “I. I’ve been thinking about it, too.”

Renjun takes a peek at him through his fingers. Even the tips of his ears are flushed. “Really?”

“Really,” Jeno nods.

The air between them grows thick enough to be cut with a knife. Jeno wants to reach out, touch Renjun – there’s a strand of hair stubbornly stuck to his forehead that Jeno wants to comb back – yet he doesn’t dare. It seems too intimate for two people that are yet to sleep in the same bed; they never do anything in bed, other than that first night months ago, and the blowjob after JSMR.

“Jeno.” Renjun’s whisper breaks him out of his reverie. “Did you hear what I just said?”

“Sorry,” he blushes. “I got distracted.”

He doesn’t need to say what distracted him, Renjun can probably tell from the red on his cheeks. “I asked if you wanted to try.”

“Try?” Of course, Jeno knows exactly what he’s talking about. Renjun lifts his eyebrows in a valiant attempt to pretend as if he isn’t embarrassed beyond salvation. “I mean – yeah, I want to.”

There’s something extremely vulnerable about them in this moment. Jeno can feel his heart beating out of his chest at the mere sight of Renjun lying in front of him, his body radiating warmth through his layers of clothes, brown hair fluffy and uncombed. He aches for something he can’t name, something he doesn’t want to name in fear of ruining absolutely everything and he squishes it down with every fibre of his being.

Renjun works up a smile. “Okay. Should we, like, set up a date or something?”

“A date?”

“Yeah?” Renjun blinks. “Like, a day. Neither of us is good with spontaneity, we’re not Hyuck.”

Jeno laughs. Even if the mention of Donghyuck under these circumstances is unsettling, he has to admit Renjun has a point – if Donghyuck were in their place, he’d just shrug and say it’s better to just trust fate, not to worry about it. But they aren’t Donghyuck and Jeno knows that uncertainty will kill him if he doesn’t know what to expect.

“How about next Friday?”

The suggestion hangs between them. Jeno counts his heartbeats while he waits for Renjun’s answer. He’s at 15 when Renjun says,

“Okay.”

~

The two weeks drag by unbearably slow. Jeno distracts himself with practice and recording, spends more time than necessary under the harsh, fluorescent lights of the Dream practice room with nothing but the beats of their music to keep him company, and then leaves straight for the recording booth to do his share of the day. Their manager doesn’t approve, neither do Taeyong nor Johnny, much less Doyoung, but they must sense Jeno is a bit of a cornered animal right now and are careful with their prodding. Jeno’s on edge, anyone can see that, and no one is sure they want to be there when he snaps.

Sometimes, he’ll go to Donghyuck at the 127 dorm, claims it’s just for the sake of their friendship – it hasn’t been easy on them to be apart for so long, considering how Donghyuck returned from his hiatus straight to preparing for promotions with the hyungs and hasn’t had a chance to really spend time with the other Dreamies.

Donghyuck understands Jeno. He knows that Jeno is here for him on a superficial level, that underneath all the show of missing him – even if it is true, Jeno can’t fake this kind of affection -, he’s really there for support. Donghyuck knows that Jeno knows he would never turn him away, would never deny him of a hug he so desperately craves. Donghyuck is naturally touchy, he shows his love through physical means, and while Jeno is as loving as he is, albeit quieter, he is aware Donghyuck is his safest bet.

Moreover, Jeno is kind of a pushover. He puts other people’s needs ahead of his and doesn’t seem to know how to ask for help, how to verbalize what he needs. On any other day, he’d go to Jaemin for comfort, but the boy has been stoic around him for weeks, it hasn’t changed since their conversation in the kitchen at the beginning of the month, and Jeno is frankly scared of going up to him and setting Jaemin off. And he can’t go to Jisung or Chenle, either, because he doesn’t want them to see him like this, so lost and vulnerable. Renjun is most definitely out of the question, so is Mark; nothing against his hyung, but if anyone is more awkward than Jeno, that’s Mark.

Donghyuck can read him, can see through the strong façade Jeno puts on, the one he’s been wearing for years but even more so lately, now that he’s one of the oldest members in Dream. It’s been years since they first met, since the first time Jeno smiled at him outside the SM cafeteria, and time has done nothing but strengthen their bond. They’re polar opposites, Donghyuck knows, Jeno knows, Donghyuck the witty sun to Jeno’s emotional moon, but that’s what makes them so close.

And so, Donghyuck takes one look at Jeno’s troubled face as he stands in the hall of their dorm’s building that Friday morning and his expression soothes into something that Taeyong calls _‘Donghyuck’s Jeno look’_ ; something fond, something loving. Donghyuck might not wear it much in front of the camera, but sometimes it slips out. It’s one Jeno has missed; months of only speaking to him on the phone took a toll on Jeno. He didn’t even hear about Donghyuck’s injury until he’d been rushed to the hospital and one of the managers gathered Dream in the practice room, breaking the news to them as gently as possible. Jeno had felt fear, right after the concern; injuries aren’t rare among idols, but leg fractures instil panic in every dancer’s mind. It could have cost Donghyuck his career.

“Come in,” Donghyuck beckons him. Jeno follows Donghyuck through the familiar apartment and to Donghyuck’s shared room with Doyoung, waves briefly to Jungwoo as they pass him on the living room, the older boy offering Jeno a, “I like your new hair.” Donghyuck closes the door to his bedroom but doesn’t lock it – it’s both a rule in their dorm and a precaution, so Jeno doesn’t feel trapped. They sit; stare at each other in silence for a minute, Jeno noticing for the nth time that Donghyuck lost so much weight during his recovery and thinking about how long it’s been since he’s seen his cheeks so sunken – not since Donghyuck and Mark fought for months on end. And then Donghyuck finally offers him a smile and asks, “What’s up?”

The dam breaks. Jeno sniffs, doesn’t hold back the tears he can feel build behind his eyes and focuses on the frayed quilt of Donghyuck’s bed, on the brown stain from the time Donghyuck spilled his coffee mug after staying up all night with Jaemin playing some videogame online. The thought of Jaemin only makes him want to cry even more, but he doesn’t. Jeno is okay with crying over small things, but the bigger ones are embarrassing.

“I think I’m about to do something stupid,” Jeno confesses. “Something incredibly stupid that could ruin so many things and I can’t understand why that doesn’t scare me out of doing it.”

“And what is this thing?” Donghyuck prods.

Jeno takes a deep breath. “Renjun and I were talking about sleeping together. Tonight.” There’s no need to sugar-coat things when it comes to Lee Donghyuck, and Jeno is so grateful for that. “And it’s honestly freaking me out because I might be falling for him and I just can’t do that, not with our careers at stake, especially not if I’m risking our friendship, as well. I can’t lose Renjun, Hyuck.”

That’s what it all comes down to, if Jeno wants to be honest. He gives a rat’s ass about his career as an idol the second he considers losing Renjun as a friend. That’s the scariest possibility of all.

“Why do you think you’re falling in love with him?” Donghyuck asks him. Jeno looks at him, his soft brown eyes that are rarely as kind as they are now, devoid of their typical mischievous glint, and he can’t help it when he starts to ramble.

“He makes me really happy,” Jeno admits, “and my palms get all sweaty when he’s around and my heart feels like it might burst when he smiles at me and sometimes I just want to kiss him and hold him and make him the happiest. It sucks.”

“Love sucks,” Donghyuck commiserates. “Tell me more.”

Jeno does. He has no idea where so many words come from; he simply can’t stop them from pouring out of his lips, like his mouth has a mind of its own. He talks about Renjun’s bed hair in the mornings, his conspiracy books stashed under his bed, his nervous habit of biting his nail before performance. He talks about Renjun holding his hand after Jeno is criticised by instructors or producers, Renjun staying up until Jeno gets back from The Show to tell him he did a good job, Renjun ruffling his hair during breakfast.

He talks about many things he wasn’t even aware he noticed; he talks until he runs out of words to express how he feels, and yet he feels like he could go on forever. There’s an untapped, unlimited well of Renjun related knowledge inside Jeno that’s been dying to be let loose and now that it has been, it aims to suck Jeno dry.

Donghyuck listens patiently; he smiles at the right times, a sort of dreamy grin that tells Jeno he’s there, he understands as much as he can, and only frowns after Jeno goes into his own insecurities and talks about the millions of reasons why he’s an idiot who should have known better than to get involved with his band-mate.

In retrospect, Jeno _should_ have known he would end up bowling like a baby in Donghyuck’s arms. Thankfully, Donghyuck only shushes him and pats his hair reassuringly; he never, not once, tells Jeno that it’ll be okay, because there’s no way he can possibly know that. All he promises is to be there for him.

Jeno goes to his dorm hours later, light from all the crying he did and hazy with excitement. Donghyuck didn’t let him leave until he’d washed his face and they’d sat on the couch to gossip about 127 right in front of them, an activity that delights Donghyuck greatly considering the hyungs won’t do shit to him in return: most of them pretend they aren’t even there as they go from the front door to the kitchen to the bathroom and back, Jungwoo and Johnny sit on the other couch and imitate them, and Mark only rolls his eyes and asks Jeno, “Don’t you have toddlers to babysit?” while Jeno giggles and stage-whispers random things to Donghyuck about Mark.

But, as all good things, it comes to an end. Jeno says goodbye to Donghyuck when he sees the clock strike 8pm and he knows he has to go home, blinks away a stray tear that has somehow stayed in him, and walks to the elevator, feeling all sorts of queasiness. The Dream dorm is only two floors down, yet it feels like he’s descending into Hell.

He runs into Chenle in the kitchen. The younger boy is eating cereal, leaning against the sink and doing his best to blow his hair out of his face, purple strands falling stubbornly back into place. Chenle joked that Jeno’s blond hair would give fans a heart attack when they saw it, but Jeno retaliated that Chenle resembling a grape once more would be more entertaining.

“Did you go with the stylists yet?” Jeno asks.

Chenle stares at him. “Does my hair look any less purple?”

“No.”

“Then there’s your answer.”

Jeno rolls his eyes. Chenle has been moody lately and Jeno is the only one yet to get mad at him – even Jisung stormed out of their shared room the other day, although they were back to hanging off each other two hours later. That’s just how their friendship works, Jeno thinks, like brothers that are used to driving the other mad with no heat behind.

“I don’t know how many times this has to happen for you to understand you shouldn’t go into the pool after a hair dye,” Jeno says. He conveniently forgets the time he did the same and had to parade around town with blue hair until the managers thought he’d had enough punishment.

Chenle doesn’t answer beyond an annoyed huff of breath. Jeno giggles, drops his bag on the ground and walks further in the apartment. He doesn’t run into anyone else in the dorm, and before he reaches his bedroom, he hears Chenle shout a goodbye and then the door clicks shut. The nerves, which he had kept under bay during his conversation with the younger boy, rise to the surface as he realises that they’re alone – that Renjun probably kicked them all out, if Jeno is being honest, so they could have some privacy for the night.

The door at the end of the hall looms ominously. Jeno shouldn’t feel so worried over something so simple, something he has done before on counted occasions and, if he may say so, has done quite well. He didn’t receive any complaints, anyway. So why is he so nervous?

Jeno thinks, _because it isn’t the same. It’s with a boy. It’s with Renjun._

There’s his answer, then. Jeno stands in front of his bedroom door and takes three deep breaths before taking the doorknob in his hand and twisting it. Renjun is there, the first thing Jeno sees, sitting on his bed, absentmindedly doodling on his sketchpad. There’s nothing to indicate what they’ll be doing later save for the restless movement of his legs.

“Hey,” Jeno greets. The light on Renjun’s bedside table flickers and Jeno thinks they need to buy light bulbs. “Sorry I’m late; I got held back at the 127 dorm.”

“I know,” Renjun says, “I saw Hyuck’s snaps.” Jeno wasn’t aware Donghyuck shared anything on Snapchat but, then again, he’s sneaky like that. “That’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

They stay silent for a near eternity. Jeno doesn’t know how to proceed and Renjun only stares at him. Jeno takes tentative steps towards the bed and sits on the edge, Renjun’s toes grazing his thigh.

“I, uh,” Renjun says, twisting to reach into his bedside drawer, “got some lube. From Kun. He said we would need it.”

Jeno nods. “Yeah, I figured we could use hand cream or something but. This is probably a better idea.” Jeno takes a deep breath, fights through the bout of embarrassment to say, “Taeyong gave me these.”

He presents Renjun with two square foil packages. The boy’s lips twitch into a small smile and he brings a condom out of the drawer as well. “Sicheng.”

“Are you as nervous about this as I am?” Jeno blurts out.

He doesn’t know what he expects to hear. He’s certainly relieved to see Renjun nod, shuffling closer and grasping Jeno’s hoodie in one hand, lithe fingers twisting the fabric. “I’m scared shitless. But not about doing this with you, just… it’s nerve-wracking. I’ve never been with a guy before.”

Jeno smiles. “Me neither. We probably shouldn’t have scheduled it,” Jeno says in an attempt to lighten the mood, “since it’s only made us more nervous.”

“It would have been worse if we didn’t. At least I would have lost my mind.”

Jeno doesn’t notice when or how they move but they’re suddenly much closer than they were before, their noses almost brushing. This sort of closeness isn’t new to them, but it’s as exhilarating as it was the first time.

“Do you know how hard it’s been to keep my hands to myself this whole time?” Jeno asks.

Renjun smiles a little wider than before. “Probably as hard as it’s been for me.”

They kiss. They haven’t kissed in forever and Jeno relishes the sensation, the feeling of Renjun’s lips gliding against his, Renjun’s fingers sliding underneath his shirt and up his torso. Jeno wonders if it’s normal for his heart to beat as fast as it is right now. They fall back on the bed, Renjun first. The condoms and lube are knocked to hell but Jeno can’t bring himself to care, too preoccupied with kissing along Renjun’s cheeks and jawline to his neck.

Renjun is nothing like the girls Jeno’s been with. Jeno is used to soft curves, long hair and slightly sharp nails digging into his skin, whereas Renjun is sharp edges, short hair and blunt nails, but it’s a good type of different. He smells like citrus, the new soap he bought, and his jawline is quite possibly the best place to leave kisses on, in Jeno’s opinion. Renjun isn’t big on the ass department, either, but Jeno finds he quite enjoys the fact that his cheeks fit in his hands and the way Renjun moans when Jeno gropes him.

Their clothes fly all over the place, their lips barely disconnecting in the meantime. Renjun drags Jeno’s bottom lip between his teeth at the same time he sticks his hand down the front of Jeno’s boxers and squeezes, just enough pressure to have Jeno gasp and buck into his hand. Renjun smiles, pleased, and he continues his ministrations, listening carefully for all the sounds Jeno makes.

There are a lot of things Jeno wants to do with Renjun, _to_ Renjun, and he can’t settle on just one. He can barely gather the concentration to produce the single thought of Renjun looking beautiful tonight. Finally, after he stares at Renjun’s face for nearly a full minute, memorises the way his eyebrows scrunch in concentration as he jerks Jeno off, Jeno pulls back, just enough to lay Renjun down on the bed.

“Sorry, I don’t wanna come too soon,” he says to Renjun’s confused sound. Renjun’s face clears and he nods, playing absentmindedly with the frayed end of his quilt. “So, how should we do this?”

Jeno didn’t think it would be possible to see Renjun so embarrassed, not after all the things they’ve done already. The way Renjun flushes red, all the way to the tip of his ears, is as satisfying as marvellous.

“I think you should do it,” Renjun mumbles. “I know you’ve fucked girls before and I haven’t so it’s probably for the best if the one with experience does it. I showered and everything.”

It’s cute, Jeno thinks, that Renjun can still be so eloquent when he’s clearly got most of his blood south rather than north. “I thought you slept with trainees,” Jeno says. He has no idea why he’s trying to make conversation in a situation like this.

“I’ve done stuff with trainees but I’ve never…” he trails off. Jeno doesn’t want to mortify him any further so he simply nods and pats the bed for the bottle of lube.

Jeno might have done something similar with girls before, but he’s aware it isn’t the same with a boy. His hands shake terribly as he reaches for the lube and uncaps the bottle while Renjun discards his underwear and spreads his legs to make room for Jeno, which does nothing to help Jeno’s fragile state of mind because _dear God_ that was the hottest thing Jeno has seen in his life.

“Okay, just, lemme know if it hurts or anything, alright?”

Renjun’s breathe hitches as Jeno’s pointy finger breaches his rim. Jeno is careful, pushes in until the third knuckle and waits for Renjun to give him the sign to start moving. Renjun’s face scrunches up, hopefully in discomfort rather than pain, but only a minute or so passes before he nods his head.

Jeno loses track of time as he preps Renjun. Half of his attention is on what he’s doing – adding a second finger, than a third just in case, scissoring them apart, pumping them in and out, adding lube with every finger – but the other half, the most hyperactive one, is focused solely on Renjun, on every little twitch of his expression.

There’s something entrancing about Renjun like this. Jeno can’t decide what he likes most, if his breathy moans, the way his eyes are shut tight, the frantic movement of his fingers as he grasps the bed sheets only to let them go in seconds, as if he can’t decide what to do with himself.

Suddenly, Renjun’s eyes snap open and his loudest moan of the night escapes him, a hand darting forward to grasp Jeno’s wrist. “Stop, stop, I’m gonna come,” he gasps.

“I’m guessing that was your….”

“Yeah,” Renjun breaths out. Jeno wants to see him react that way again.

Nevertheless, Jeno pulls his fingers out. Renjun releases a long sigh when he does so and his little hole flutters around air, as if trying to get Jeno back inside, and it does something to Jeno in an instinctual level. Jeno dons the condom in a heartbeat, messily lathers some more lube on himself before he goes back to Renjun. There, he takes his moment to understand what’s happening.

There Renjun is, laying on his back and staring up at Jeno with so much open trust in his face. There’s a fine layer of sweat on his forehead and his chest is covered in splotches of red, his lips parted to breathe, his eyes darkened with lust. Jeno can only imagine what he looks like, most likely the same.

Jeno snaps out of his thoughts when Renjun waves a hand in front of him and asks, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, I just,” Jeno shakes his head. Renjun gives him a funny look but doesn’t press further, only lifts his legs when Jeno prompts him to. Jeno allows himself a moment of hesitation before he guides his cock into Renjun’s waiting hole, laying his free hand on top of Renjun’s where it rests on one of his inner thighs.

Once again, Jeno is reminded of how different boys are to girls. Renjun is tight, warm, slick from the lube and Jeno’s prepping, but it’s unlike how girls feel, tighter even. Jeno can’t find the words to describe it, can’t find the energy to think about it because all of his attention has gone entirely to _Renjun Renjun Renjun._

Jeno gives them both time to adjust, watching carefully every expression that flits across Renjun’s face for long minutes. Renjun’s mouth is hanging open just so, his eyes glazed over as he stares at nothingness, and both his hands are dwarfed underneath Jeno’s as they hold his legs apart. Jeno shifts his hold on them, hooks them over his elbows and in the process tugs Renjun closer.

“You can move now,” Renjun says with a gasp. Jeno nods, mentally prepares himself for what he knows will be his death, and slowly pulls out.

He starts out slow, every stroke along Renjun’s walls deliberate, careful. It is both to ensure he doesn’t hurt Renjun and to make it good, thinking that if he uses the same tricks he does with girls it’ll be good. This is the part he has experience at, finally, and he knows what he has to do. He picks up the pace gradually, listening for Renjun’s hitched breathes and moans, his own falling from his lips every time Renjun clenches around him.

His grip on Renjun’s legs slips momentarily from the sweat that’s started to gather on their skins. It happens again, and then again, until Jeno gives up and lets them fall from his grasp, Renjun wrapping them around Jeno’s waist instead while Jeno leans down so he’s no longer kneeling over Renjun but rather hovering above him, his forearms holding him up. Their faces are so close Jeno can see every little imperfection, could count every eyelash if he put his mind to it. It feels too intimate and Jeno can’t bear it, so he buries his face in the side of Renjun’s neck and distracts himself with marking up his skin with as many love bites as he can manage.

Jeno loses himself to it, drives Renjun into the mattress with decreasing finesse until Renjun lets out a moan that sends chills down Jeno’s spine and claws his back so badly the nails come back bloodied. Jeno keeps that angle and aims for the same spot over and over, relishes in the way Renjun whines his name with every thrust.

“Jeno,” Renjun gasps, whines. His hand goes to jerk himself off to the beat of Jeno’s thrusts and he comes soon after, spilling over his hand and their tummies with a choked off whimper of Jeno’s name. It doesn’t take too long for Jeno to come as well, his hips stuttering as he fills the condom.

They lie gasping in the dark. Jeno has his cheek smudged on Renjun’s shoulder, one of Renjun’s hands tangled in his hair. Eventually, however, Jeno has to move, to get the condom off and maybe drag both of them to the shower. “Come on, Injun,” he urges. Renjun just groans in response and refuses to move an inch.

Later, when they’re cleaner and dressed in their pyjamas, Renjun takes a deep breath and says into the dead of night, “I think I’m gay.”

Jeno makes a noncommittal grunt to show he’s listening, absentmindedly playing with a strand of hair that falls on Renjun’s forehead. They’re side by side, their shoulders touching, faces to the ceiling.

“I thought I was bi, at least,” Renjun continues, in a tone of voice that’s too conversational to be natural, “and I’ve been with girls before. I just never realised that I didn’t really feel anything about it, or about them. It didn’t feel like it did tonight.”

“Maybe it’s a _me_ thing,” Jeno jokes, or tries to.

“Maybe,” Renjun concedes. “You’re kinda hot, Lee Jeno.”

Jeno smiles. “Thanks. I think I’m bi, or something. I like girls a lot but I also like what we do.”

“Maybe it’s a _me_ thing,” Renjun parrots. Jeno laughs and accepts the notion, because he knows it’s probably true.

~  
Jeno was wrong to think things would change after that. They don’t. They actually stay pretty much the same, except now there’s less tension between them, a different air when they’re together. Renjun looks different, or at least Jeno is seeing him differently, like he’s grown, somehow. Jeno is probably going insane.

They don’t do it again soon after. There’s not much time to breathe, let alone fuck, when they’re preparing for a comeback. Jeno always puts his all into preparations and this is no exception, especially with the lowered number in their ranks, and Renjun has this crazy idea that all responsibilities must fall on him now that he’s the oldest among them, so the few minutes they are alone together they barely have the energy to share a few lazy kisses before they fall on their respective beds to sleep for several hours.

But, Jeno discovers, just because he doesn’t see the difference, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Chenle is the first one to say anything about it. He and Jeno are by the water cooler outside the practice room, chugging down water bottle after water bottle, done with hours of gruelling dance rehearsal. Chenle has been staring at Jeno for a while and Jeno has been doing his very best to pretend like he doesn’t notice.

“Is there something on my face?” Jeno finally asks.

A slow smile grows on Chenle’s face. “So, did you do it?”

Jeno narrows his eyes. “Don’t be a little shit,” he warns. Chenle wiggles his eyebrows in response and ducks the hit that Jeno tries to land on his shoulder, laughing all the while.

“I knew it,” Chenle gloats, “I could tell from your face.”

“What do you mean?” Jeno grumbles, putting the cap back on his bottle.

“You look like a grownup now,” Chenle shrugs. He starts to walk back to the practice room and Jeno follows, mulling over that statement. “You also look like a lovesick fool.”

Jeno slaps him over the head for that one. Chenle only laughs loudly in response and doesn’t say anything more.

The next person to join the “Mock Lee Jeno” club is, unsurprisingly, Jisung. The younger boy waltzes into Jeno’s room one evening, later than should be allowed for either of them to be awake, and he plops down on the bed next to Jeno. He doesn’t speak at first, only leans back against the wall and watches Jeno play on his phone for several minutes. Then, he says, “I didn’t know our dating ban was lifted.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Then what are you and Renjun doing?”

Jeno pauses his game. He often has the words to keep up with Jisung, even on a bad day, but this has caught him off guard. “I don’t know what we are,” he says. “I don’t think it matters that much, either.”

“It should matter,” Jisung counters, “it should matter to you.”

“Leave me alone, Jisung,” Jeno mumbles. He doesn’t have anything else to say.

A handful of days later, Donghyuck corners Jeno after recording and asks him what he’s going to do about Renjun. Jeno truthfully tells him he has no idea.

~

As it turns out, Jeno doesn’t have to do anything, because Renjun does.

The convenience store’s air con is blasting cold air right in Jeno’s face. It’s almost two am and the clerk hasn’t even glanced up from her magazine once – this store is the closest to the company and popular among trainees and idols alike, so she mustn’t be very impressed by them at this point – and Jeno is eating store noodles while staring at the tiny TV screen set on the counter. Renjun is browsing the aisles for tortilla chips to go with his sour dip. Outside, a lone car or two drone by.

“I didn’t find tortilla chips, but I found these,” Renjun dumps a bag of something salty on the table and slides into his seat. Jeno nods, slurps more noodles into his mouth and swallows, and then licks around his lips for the excess soup. They continue to eat in silence, sometimes speaking to comment on whatever is on TV.

Once they’re finished, they go to the back of the store where the refrigerators are and pick out soda cans for each other. Jeno turns on his heels to head back to the counter, but is stopped by Renjun’s fingers circling around his wrist.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Renjun says. “Just, hear me out, okay?”

Jeno blinks. “Okay, so the thing is, I’m kind of crushing on you. Like, big time, and I wanted to tell you before anything else happened. I wanted to tell you… before, but I didn’t have the balls to do it. And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I get it, I just wanted you to know -”

“I do feel the same,” Jeno interrupts him as Renjun goes on to ramble. “Gosh, Renjun, I’ve been in love with you for months. Donghyuck told me I should confess but I was scared of freaking you out.”

Renjun smiles softly, then wider and wider. “Really?”

“Really,” Jeno nods, his own smile overtaking his features.

There are no security cameras so far back in the store, but Jeno still makes sure to crowd Renjun into the farthest corner before kissing the living daylights out of him. He accidentally kisses Renjun’s teeth first, with how wide they are both grinning, and it continues to be the same for the entire minute they spend kissing, until they remember where they are.

“Oh, and, talk to Jaemin,” Renjun says on the walk back to the dorm. Their pinkies are linked under the moonlight. “You want to hear what he has to say, trust me.”

EPILOGUE

“Renjun says you want to talk to me?”

Jaemin’s bedroom is illuminated by the harsh, white light of the fluorescent bulbs the staff buys for them. Jaemin looks up from his computer, where he’s visibly playing some online videogame, and nods. He doesn’t look the littlest bit surprised to see Jeno standing in his doorway.

Jaemin doesn’t give them a chance to turn awkward. He spins in his chair and says, “I want to apologize for the way I acted. I was an ass. I was dealing with some shit and I took it out on you, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, Jen,” he murmurs.

“Thank you,” Jeno nods. He steps further inside the bedroom and takes a seat on the edge of Jaemin’s bed. “What was the problem?”

The screen goes to black before Jaemin speaks. “I’ve been going out with a trainee and it’s stressful. We’re both on the ban and if we’re found out, we’re screwed.”

“Do you like her?” Jeno asks. It seems like the obvious thing to ask now.

The prettiest smile Jeno has seen Jaemin wear in a while blooms on his face. “Yeah, I do. She’s amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone more than I like her, if I’m being honest.”

“Wow, not even me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Jaemin snorts, “I never liked you that much, anyway.”

Jeno feigns hurt. “Ouch, offense taken. I’m happy for you, Jaem. And I’m happy you don’t secretly hate me and Renjun.”

“I could never secretly hate you, losers,” Jaemin rolls his eyes, “I love you two too much. And now you better tell me how you asked Renjun out, full detail.”

“Did you talk to him?” Renjun asks.

Jeno crawls under the covers next to him, groaning in satisfaction to be in bed, finally. He garbles something that’s supposed to be an answer to Renjun’s question, muffled against the case of Renjun’s pillow.

“Jeno, I can’t understand you if you’re talking into the pillow,” Renjun laughs and shakes Jeno’s body. “Come on, how did it go?”

“He’s dating a trainee,” Jeno tells him, “that’s why he had a stick up his ass. It had nothing to do with me or you, thank God.”

“Why would it have anything to do with us?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jeno shakes his head. He rolls onto his side and smiles sleepily at Renjun, who returns equally. “He said he’ll kick our asses if we hurt each other.”

“Mama Na to the rescue,” Renjun chuckles. “I’m sleepy, we should go to sleep. Besides, the manager will be pissed if we are too tired in the morning to work.”

“He loves us,” Jeno yawns, “but yeah. Good night, Injun.”  
Renjun settles down next to him, turns the bedside lamp off and tugs the cover over his body as well, snuggling into Jeno’s warmth. “Good night, Jeno. I love you,” he adds in a whisper.

“I love you, too,” Jeno smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> [nsfw cc](https://curiouscat.me/glitterinjun)
> 
> [sfw cc](https//curiouscat.me/doitsushine92)
> 
> [Twitter ](https://twitter.com/doitsushine92)
> 
> i told you you shouldn't read it


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